SCENE 1. INT. NIGHT
SET LIVING ROOM
STUDIO

(GLASSJAW'S "WORSHIP AND TRIBUTE" ALBUM PLAYS QUIETLY, PERCY THE PARROT FLIES AROUND THE ROOM. ROBIN SITS ON A CHARLES RENNIE MACKINTOSH CHAIR, HIS LAPTOP ON HIS LAP. HE READS THE SCREEN.)

ROBIN:

"Hello. Welcome to my website. It is charityware which means to access the website you are encouraged to make a small donation to Comic Relief.

(PERCY SWOOPS DOWN ONTO ROBIN'S SHOULDER AND READS THE SCREEN FOR HIMSELF)

PERCY:

"Encouraged?"

ROBIN:

So?

PERCY:

Wuss. Why not say 'pretty please, if you wouldn't mind, please'?

(ROBIN TYPES IN A FLURRY)

ROBIN:

"Hello. Welcome to my website. It is charityware which means to access the website you have to make a donation to Comic Relief. If you're not prepared to do that then get lost, you tight get. "

PERCY:

Dude, that's just rude.

ROBIN:

Make your mind up, Percy.

PERCY:

Just carry on.

ROBIN:

"You can make a donation to Comic Relief online within three minutes. Every single penny you give will go towards ending poverty and social injustice all over the UK and in Africa. Your generosity will help a lot of people whose lives are very hard. Alternatively you can make a donation to Comic Relief by sending a cheque or postal order (made payable to "Comic Relief") to: Comic Relief 2003, Ernst & Young, P.O. Box 678, London, EC4A 1NT."

(ROBIN STOPS AND SIPS HIS CRANBERRY JUICE)

PERCY:

I just crapped in that.

(ROBIN SPLUTTERS HIS CRANBERRY JUICE)

PERCY:

God, you're so easy to wind up; where's the challenge? Not my comrades in...

ROBIN:

Comrades? C'mon, where have you been all these months?

PERCY:

I told you I can't say. More than my life's worth. (BEAT) Hurry up, Bernie Mac's on soon.

ROBIN:

"I have tried to give a basic introduction to writing for television, radio, stage and film. The film section includes the UK Screenwriters Network FAQ which has hundreds of pages of information. The Character section is the most comprehensive introduction on the 'Net and should maybe be your first stop.

"Check out the resources page which has the best sources for writing news, script templates and online pitching sites.

"There is also a page of research links and links to other writing sites.

I have collated all the books recommended to me, all the sitcom scripts available and the best quality DVDs for your entertainment and education. If you're looking for a course, there is a page of both online and offline ones.

"This website will automatically print printer-friendly versions of all the pages. Cool uh?

"Please support my sponsors as the commission goes to Comic Relief. Your comments would be appreciated." Well?

PERCY:

It'll do. It's not like anyone will be reading this far down anyway.

(ROBIN SIGHS AND USES THE UNIVERSAL REMOTE TO SWITCH OFF THE HI-FI AND SWITCH ON THE TV. THE PLASMA WIDESCREEN ON THE WALL FLICKERS TO LIFE. "THE BERNIE MAC SHOW" STARTS.)

ROBIN:

Bostin'.

END