Andy Kindler's Guide to Sitcom Success

Every comedian, juggler and theatre usher at this festival (Just for Laughs) wants their own sitcom and the way things are going in American TV they have a reasonable chance.  But do you know getting a sitcom is not as easy as it looks -  it is much easier and that throws a lot of people off. So if you want an edge or a fighting chance or a leg-up on the competition then you can join me in Andy Kindler's School for Sitcom Success.  If you follow my instructions carefully - do not deviate, do not skip ahead - I can promise you you'll have your own sitcom in under 6 months or I'll give you your money back. Or I'll pretend to give you your money back. Or when I'm spending your money I'll feel very guilty.

OK, the first thing you need to do as a comedian is present yourself in a way that is attractive to TV executives.  Remember these groups do have imagination they just don't use them.  So what we need to do is take your personality and distil it into two easily defined traits that are contradictory. For example you could be a sex mad loner, or maybe you could be a teenage doctor or how about a kindly cop?

Then describe yourself in terms of other TV personalities: you're a thin John Goodman, or maybe you're a tall Michael J Fox or maybe you're Tim Allen with a cold.

Whatever you do, don't be interesting, original, don't be innovative, just do what everybody else does but take it further.

The hardest thing in the world is to come up with a new and existing sitcom idea; fortunately you don't have to bother just take an old idea and change it a little.  I heard someone pitch something once as 'The Simpsons' for the '90s?. (I thought the Simpsons were in the '90s).  But you could go with it's the Flintstones for the Millennium; it's Star Trek on a boat; it's an upbeat ER - no-one gets sick; it's Cheers in a rehab clinic; it's the Cosby Show for rednecks.

If you can't come up with an idea just stick some kids in it, it never fails. Never confuse sitcom kids with real kids.  On sitcoms all the kids sound like 45 year old Jewish writers - 'Who am I - the Lindburgh baby?'.  'What are these - the Eisenhower years?'

'My Son the Boss': You work in a crazy company where your son is the boss, it's insane.
'Castaway Kids': Where you adopt some kids who were left on your doorstep. 
'Kids in Space': Where you adopt some kid who were left on your doorstep - by aliens.

In the old days you had to make up your own plot.  But now just pick one off the pile.  Your brother comes to stay and he's odd; you break a chain-letter and something horrible happens; your boss comes to dinner and it's awkward; you convince your sexy friend from the office to pretend to be your wife to impress your ex and when your ex asks how long you've been married - 'Five years'. 
'Three years.' 'A long time!'

OK, now I'm going to give you some of the golden rules for sitcom success. Are you ready? I'll start regardless.

• Never experiment.  Experiments should take place in laboratories, not on TV. TV is not art.  Art belongs on the walls of museums and even there I'm not sure it's necessary.
• Losers stand up for their beliefs.  Winners cave in early and avoid the rush.
• If you're not part of the solution, you've sucked up to the wrong person.
• Remember your ego at all times. To make up for your own insecurities and self-doubt surround yourself with people who tell you how great you are.  For example, I have a guy, for 2%, I call him up and he says 'It's not you Andy, this business - it's screwed.'

So good luck with your show and if you succeed come on my talk show and have a good time because I'm getting out of the sitcom game, it's too crowded and I can't take the aggravation.

Transcribed from "Festival of Fun", Channel 5 UK, 1997. 
More Andy Kindler